In every monthly update that I share with you, I am honest. Sometimes to a detriment. However, because I share the shiny side of life, I also want to be honest and share the times when I am not bursting with sunshine and floating on cloud nine.
In February, I spent more time in the hospital than I did at home, due to gallstones. I first began struggling with gallstones when I was pregnant several years ago, but then they sat dormant until September last year. A couple of weeks ago, two gallstones decided to work their way into my bile duct, blocking off my liver and giving me severe jaundice. It’s been rough. Hospital stay after hospital stay, popping codeine like Skittles and spending far too much time away from my son.
It’s been hard.
THE BEAUTY BREAKDOWN
I’ve said for a while now that I have been struggling to buy new products and give them a whirl because I am head over heels in love with my holy grail products that have been in my rotation for well over a year now.
However, I have recently been making much more of an effort to shop my own stash. I have so many amazing products that I love to use, that are sitting there and creeping closer and closer to the ‘best before’ date, because I am stuck on a few items. Because of that, I am reaching for great products like my Dior Forever Skin Foundation, Charlotte Tilbury Magic Eye Eraser, Rare Beauty Warm Wishes Bronzer Stick and so many more. Each time I do reach for them, I love how my makeup looks and I kick myself that I have been shoving them to one side!
In terms of buying something new, the only recent addition to my vast collection was a Makeup by Mario Lip Liner in the shade Tan. What I will say is that there really is a difference when you pay for a premium lip liner like this. It lasts great on the lips, the component is fantastic with the brush on the other end to diffuse the colour and you get a sharpener with every pencil. Plus, I think there is something to be said for finding a great shade that really supports that undertone of your skin.
THE FAMILY UPDATES
This is going to be a hard one to write, because as I mentioned above, my hospital stays have been getting in the way of me spending quality time with my son. However, the difference that I see in him, month on month, is quite staggering.
We really are at a stage where he is taking everything in. He repeats our gestures, he tries to mimic what we say, and his cheekiness is completely off the scale. I used to say that nothing could top those newborn few months, but I have to say that 18 months is absolutely wonderful.
Even when I do have to stay in the hospital, I get to Facetime my little boy and the minute he sees my face fill the screen, he screams while shouting ‘mama mama’. It’s the best feeling in the world. Some of my friends have said that they would love a break in the hospital to get a minute away from their kids, but I only feel fulfilled when I’ve been with my son, and as soon as this is behind me, I will not be taking a moment for granted.
THE FASHION UPDATE
Over the past month, spending lots of time sitting around in A&E and for various appointments has not been good for my bank balance. Initially, I would get myself the odd little treat every time I had to come into the hospital. Then, when I realised what was wrong with me and that I would be spending a lot of time here, I realised that was absolutely unsustainable, and I reigned it in every so slightly. However, there are a few very exciting purchases due to be delivered over the next few weeks!
One of the main fashion spends that I made this past month is investing in a few knitwear basics. When I lost weight after my pregnancy, I replaced a lot of my trousers, skirts and jeans, that would fall off me, even when belted. When it came to my knitwear, I thought I could get away with wearing it oversized and slouchy. However, I now think that some of my old knitwear has gone from looking oversized to very silly. The pieces I bought were from H&M and Zara, and I’m thrilled with all of them.
Then the splurge of the month that came in over the past few weeks is my stunning Saint Laurent Le Loafers. When I first saw these, I certainly appreciated how beautiful they were, but I didn’t think they were really for me or my style. However, after falling in love with my Chanel Shearling Loafers, I knew that there was a space for something brown suede in my closet. I’ve worn these endlessly since I bought them and I think that they have really elevated my style and made me consider the other elements of my outfits much more carefully.
THE NOVEL PROGRESS
I guess one good thing to being hospitalised is that you end up with a lot of time on your hands. I’m not in pain all of the time, so whenever I am relaxed and on codeine, I am making changes from my editor and working with my book agent on our plan to go out to publications.
I’m not going to lie, this is the first time that I have really stopped and began to get nervous about the prospect of releasing my novels. There is so much within my writing that is about my fantasies, my own life and those that I hold close. However, I need to put things aside and think about what I want my future to look like and it is without a doubt, being an author. That is my number one goal and I know that I need to put self-doubt aside and focus on reaching that level.
THE HOME RENOVATIONS
Even before February, I must admit that I haven’t been doing much at home. Because long before the hospitalisations, there was still the pain and discomfort that was being ignored by the doctors.
That means that not only have I not been able to make the decor changes and the home upgrades that I want, but general tidying and organising have fallen by the wayside. Something that I am deeply embarrassed to admit.
You may have noticed, but I am not very good at relaxing and I cannot wait for the day when I feel fighting fit again, to juggle everything that I have on my plate and tick those home renovation things from my list that feel like they are hanging over my head. I know that I will get there; it will just be slower than planned.
THE MUSIC REPORT
I can always tell when I am feeling under the weather or overwhelmed with my mental health, and that is because I fall out of love with music. A couple of weeks ago, I was travelling to work, and it wasn’t until I arrived at the gates that I realised that I had been silent, didn’t sing or skip a single song the entire way to work. That screams that something isn’t right.
I will say, as suspected, the new Luke Combs song ‘Be By You’, has captivated me. Whenever I do want to listen to music, I start with that song and the moment it finishes, I start it all over again. There is no doubt in my mind that when it gets to the end of the year and we are sent out our Spotify Wrapped, that song will be my number one. It is the old romantic in me that absolutely adores it. And it helps that my other half loves it just as much as I do.
THE MENTAL HEALTH REPORT
I am going to attempt optimism here, but it is hard given my physical health. Mentally, I am in a better place than I thought that I would be, given everything that I have going on.
Because of my OCD, I need things done and sorted as soon as possible. When you are a patient of the NHS, that isn’t how things work and I am having a hard time with that. Because when I have worry and panic hanging over me, thinking about my physical health, it feels like a rogue thread hanging out of a piece of knitwear. One pull, and the whole thing will unravel. I am really working hard on keeping my mind focused, taking the time that I need, but trying to stay on the right side of an almost two-decade-long battle with my mental health.
THE SOCIAL UPDATE
Non-existent. And while my physical health is in the current shape that it is. I am completely fine with that. Drinking is off the cards. Eating anything enjoyable is off the cards. I’m speaking to my friends constantly because they’re all being very kind and worrying about me. However, the thought of getting dolled up and leaving the house after being in pain or popping codeine all day isn’t on the cards.
THE RECENT READS
I’ve read a few books this month, thanks to those good old hospital waiting rooms. The first was Fight by Sloane St. James. For me, this book was probably a 3 out of 5 stars. Even though I enjoyed the story and the peril that the characters were in, I feel like it was lacking in terms of character descriptions. Also, when I thought about the timeline of the novel, they went from meeting to moving in within a few weeks. For my logical mind, it just seemed like a bit of a stretch, but I enjoyed it, nevertheless.
The next one was a dip into the ‘dark romance’ world with Lights Out by Navessa Allen. Again, probably another 3 out of 5 stars. I do enjoy romance stories that are more developed than simply falling in love and living happily ever after. I enjoy more grit to a story. However, breaking into a house, knife play, mafia, murder, etc. It’s all a touch too much for me. I love reading because it’s an escape, and to be honest, I didn’t really connect much with the escapism offered in this novel. However, this is one of my bestfriends (who adores dark romances), favourite books.
The most recent book is Hat Trick by Chelsea Curto. This to me is a 5 out of 5-star book. As I mentioned, it has more substance than a simple sappy romance. Hell of a lot to overcome. But the lovestory and smut is there throughout. I loved it and I might even go as far to say that it has been my favourite in the series so far. Something that I didn’t think would be the case for a fourth book in a series, as normally you see them begin to taper in quality after the first few!
OTHER RAMBLES
It’s been a rough month. I hope for some procedures in March to get me back on my feet. I am really trying hard to be optimistic. To keep my head in the right frame of mind and focus on getting better. At the end of the day, nothing else matters more than physical health and once this is over with, I am going to make it my mission to get in the best shape of my life. I need to be around as long as possible for my little boy and so that I never need time away from him again.
