The Worry

I started out my last update incredibly excited for the month ahead, and I couldn’t gush more about my excitement for the new month. It started out positively and we had a wonderful time on our first trip down to Cornwall as a family of three. Sadly, when we got home, things took a turn and currently I am in limbo.

I will share more about that throughout this post and give you an update on where I am, what has happened and what may happen next. But the last few weeks haven’t been all doom and gloom, which is why I still wanted to sit down and share this post with you guys today.

 

 

SOMETHING DIFFERENT

You should know by now that in these posts I am completely honest. Which is why I am starting out today’s post with something slightly different.

Last Sunday when I woke up, I was in a lot of pain with my right breast. As I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, I noticed that there was bloody discharge leaking from my nipple. Quite naturally, it terrified me, and I booked an appointment for 9 am the very next morning.

It has been a week of ups and downs. I have to say that I have been left feeling incredibly disappointed with the NHS. Because of this, I do recognise my privilege in being able to, but I booked a private healthcare appointment for some reassurance. Currently, I am not sure what the issue is. It could be something as simple as a cyst, right the way up to something much more sinister. The main reason why I’m sharing this today is because for almost a week now this has completely consumed my mind and that overwhelming feeling will flow into each of the points that I will make further down this post.

 

THE BEAUTY BREAKDOWN

I have to admit that once again, I have been rather boring when it comes to makeup products. I feel like the items that I have got in my rotation work incredibly well for me and my skin. I no longer have days when I am having a makeup meltdown and no matter what I throw at my make up, it lasts beautifully all day long.

There are a few new pieces of makeup that have just been released the time I’m excited to try. Such as Haus Labs are coming out with their own cream contouring range and I won’t be incredibly excited to pick that up and give it a try for myself. As I am sure you guys have gathered from my latest post, but I truly adore everything that brand has released in recent years, and I always look forward to trying their new products.

Other than that, I think I have to give some recognition to that ever-beautiful Dior nude bronzing powder. I have been using this now for a couple of months and I love the way it brings a flush of sunlight glow to the skin, without it looking like you have caked on a load of bonding powder.

 

THE FAMILY UPDATES

In terms of family updates, there is only really one to share. That is that my beautiful son turned one year old last weekend.

I feel like in the run-up to his birthday I cried endlessly because I was both heartbroken and excited that my little dream baby is getting older. Thankfully, by the time his birthday came around, I had released all of the tears, and I was able just to be happy and enjoy the day with him. We had a family come round to visit and friends came later with their children too. It was just a very relaxed day after being on holiday the week before and only returning one day prior to his birthday. The house still looks like a bomb has hit it with the number of new toys that he received. Plus, we are still eating the enormous cake that I rather foolishly ordered.

 

THE DAY JOB

I shared with you in my last post that I had recently started a new job. I have to admit that it is absolutely incredible. Working in marketing means that you have to be able to turn your hand to sound many different things and gain an understanding of so many different products and services. The sector that I have moved into is completely new to me, and even though it is going to be a steep learning curve, I’m confident that I will be able to do it, undo it to the best of my abilities.

What really makes the company is how much they trust their employees. When it was my first week there, I can remember somebody leaning into my office and asking me why I was still sat there past 4pm. It turns out that my new company is one of those places that doesn’t care about your working hours, as long as you are happy with your output, you’ve had a good day and you are going through your task list as you need to, there is no question about the times you clock in, the times you clock out or the number of hours that you have worked in a week. That level of trust is completely new to me at work and she’s taking me some time to get used to not feeling like I am taking the Mickey out of them when I leave any earlier than 5pm.

 

THE FASHION UPDATE

The first fashion update that I have to share with you guys is that I have finally stopped treating my 25cm Birkin like it is made of glass. When I first brought home this beautiful item, I cleared a space on my shelf and it has that there ever since, a few times I have reached for it with the intention of wearing it, then I have remembered how much it cost me and promptly put it back onto the shelf. That is no longer the case. I have now worn this a handful of times, it makes me feel amazing whenever I wear it, and I love that people give it a second glance when it is paired with any of my looks.

I want to give a shout out to an absolute bargain that I found when I was walking around Next. To be honest, Next is not a store that I have regularly frequented. I think for a while it was seen as quite a middle-aged woman’s store, something where your great aunt might go and buy a blouse. However, either the designers that now work for the next have stepped up their game, or I am now reaching the stage of life where I want to shop like my great aunt. Either way a couple of weeks ago when I was there looking for a simple pair of leggings, I stumbled into the sale section. There I found a stunning black walk out that will be beautiful when the temperature begins to drop, I picked it up, tried it on and it made me feel like a wealthy woman. Without looking, I went to the counter to purchase it, only to learn that it had gone down to £22.

And lastly, I will end on something bougie. This past month I purchased myself the stunning crochet Chanel Ballet flats. These have been on my radar for a very long time. Many times, I have been closed to purchasing them, but I’ve always talked myself out at the last minute. My main issue with the Chanel ballet flat in general is that overall, I tend to opt for a pair of shoes that have appointed to help elongate the legs rather than something round-toe which can appear to cut off the foot. When the weather was beautiful the other week, I went into Harrods, tried these on and within 20 minutes I was walking out the proud of these beautiful shoes. I am already thinking about all the outfits that I can wear with these shoes, I just hope that given the money that I have spent on them, that I actually utilise them in my wardrobe.

 

THE NOVEL PROGRESS

With everything that is taking up my headspace this week, I have not made any further progress with my novels. I hate to say that, because I feel like for the past few months, I have been hitting such a stride with the progress that I’d be making and the follow-up steps that I’ve been putting into place.

However, after learning how best to support my mental health, I know that I need to let go of the things that are classed as the ‘nice to have’, extras. And I certainly include sitting down to pen my novels as a beautiful extra in my life, opposed to something that I must do in order to keep the wheels turning. Hopefully in the coming weeks when I understand more and I can unload some of the worry that is endlessly racing around my mind, I will be able to pick up my novel writing and get right back to where I was.

 

THE HOME RENOVATIONS

I mentioned to you guys a couple of weeks ago when I last wrote that during my two weeks off work in between my previous and current position, I decided to begin 1000 different home projects.

I don’t know why I did it to be honest. As I look back on what I tried to achieve in just 14 days, it is absolutely impossible. And now I am left with halftime projects, and in between being a mother, a wife, a friend and holding down a full-time job, I am struggling to get them to completion.

Being the type of person that I am, I naturally have lists and spreadsheets of what I want to achieve in the house and when I want to achieve those things by. My priority over the coming weeks is to carry out small tasks on a daily basis to make sure that my weekends aren’t overwhelming and solely spent Hammering away somewhere in the house.

 

THE MENTAL HEALTH REPORT

I feel like for this update, I should park this section of the blog post. However, just because that might be the easiest thing, which is not what I am going to do.

As many of you will know, I have OCD. My OCD makes me worry exponentially by the tiny things in life. When there is an actual issue, especially a physical issue that is plain as day to see, such as the issue with my right breast, it sends me into a spiral. There have been many times over this past week where I look at my infant son, and I picture him growing up and me missing out on his day-to-day life because I have been diagnosed with cancer and passed away.

I know that it is completely irrational to think this way. I understand that for most people they will think I’m not more than a psychopath for putting two and two together and calculating 158. I wish I was something I could do or tell my mind so that it didn’t jump to brush conclusions. However, there are not the cards that I have been dealt. I am fantastic about talking about how I feel with my mental health, but I do feel that unless people have been in a similar about that they will struggle to recognise how I am feeling.

This is going to be a process and something that I am going to have to try and tackle day by day. At the moment even though it is not comfortable inside my head, I can confidently say that I do not feel depressed, or that I am sinking into a depression because of this period of unknown. But I can only hope that I stay in this neutral position.

 

THE SOCIAL UPDATE

You guys may know that my attempt to reignite my social life after having my son has been a difficult one for me. I have a very limited friend group under that work for me generally. However, I have to admit that during periods like this when you are feeling so unsure, with so much worry and additional burden on your shoulders, it must be nice to have extra people share that with you.

My close friends are absolutely incredible and make me laugh endlessly. However, I am sure that they will not mind me saying this, but they are not the most empathetic people. I don’t think that they generally knew how to have those harder hitting conversations, or to offer me the support that I probably needed this week. I guess, it has been left me feeling quite lonely. I think that this is the only time in my life where I have been envious of those people that seem to have 1000 different acquaintances and social occasions every weekend.

 

THE RECENT READS

I feel like just like writing my novels, reading has fallen by the wayside. However, just like I would with my comfort movies, I have returned the two of the novels that I absolutely adore. They are the kind of sappy novels that I am sure would turn some people into stomachs. But they are books that I can remember reading many years ago, with a smile on my face and there is such a wave of comfort and nostalgia whenever I reach for them.

The first book is Icebreaker. Because he doesn’t love a smutty sport romance. And deep down, I think there is a part of me that really wants to be a figure skater.

And the next book that I revisited, which actually does seem to be one that I reread a decent amount, Cash. You guys should know me by now with anything that is cowboy themed, I am going to lap that shit up. I think it is my dream to inherit a ranch, begin fighting with an angry cowboy and then get it on with him after.

 

OTHER RAMBLES

I don’t think that there is that much else for me to say, seems as though I have drowned on forever today. I know that this may not be the most upbeat person I’ve ever written. And I do sincerely apologise for that. I also hope that if you have read through this post, that it does not trigger you in any way as I do recognise that these are very sensitive subjects. However, this site to be a place of absolute transparency and I will be sure to share with you guys whatever happens next on this rather uncertain journey. I do have more testing appointments in the coming weeks, and I will be sure to communicate with you guys how I am feeling, what is happening and what the next steps are. At the moment I am simply trying to remind myself that we do not know what is happening, and it could be anything and nothing.