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Tonight, we will see the turn of a new year and we will head into 2022. I always look forward to a New Year. It is the perfect chance to say goodbye to the past and move forward with optimism and positivity. However, this year it doesn’t seem that straight forward to me. Like many people around the world, I am struggling at the moment. Throughout the pandemic I have tried very hard to get through this with as much of a can-do attitude as possible. At times I have had to remind myself that I am not the only one going through this, the whole world is feeling how I feel. That has been enough to carry me through on most occasions. However, recently things have started to take its toll on me. The same optimism that has always been there for a New Year, is just not there.
I think the first thing that I need to address is where I have been throughout the pandemic. In the early days of the pandemic I actually wrote a blog post about the effects on myself. I considered us as pretty lucky given the fact that we both work for a healthcare company. We worked throughout everything, got to socialise with our colleagues. Plus, we knew that we had job security. It was more than many people could say who were placed on furlough. I tried to remind myself how fortunate I was. In constantly reminding myself that I was in a fortunate position, I think I refused to admit to myself that it was a fucking hard time. I don’t often swear, but I really feel like that was justified.
Not only that, but I feel like I have missed out on so much of my life. I turned 27 back in September and I just feel so sad about 2 completely missed years. I am in my mid-twenties and we don’t have children, this is a time in our lives where we should be selfish and having the time of our lives. That certainly isn’t how it has been. Don’t get me wrong, I have had so much quality time with my husband due to things like social occasions been cancelled and him being unable to attend the football. There have also been the odd weekend away with all of our friends, but I just needed more.
I can remember, on January 1st 2020, I made a resolution to my friends that 2020 was the year that I was going to get out more and live in the moment. Queue the pandemic. My friends say that I jinxed the world by making that resolution.
My family has also undergone massive strain. I am sure that I have mentioned it here on my blog before, but I look after my nan (my mother’s mum). After my grandad passed away around 4 years ago, I started taking on more responsibility with her. Since my grandads passing, it has not always been smooth sailing between my mother and her two siblings. Essentially, since the day my grandad passed, they have not pulled their weight. They see her once in a blue moon and don’t provide the one thing that she needs… company. I am pretty sure that they don’t read my blog, but if they do and they are reading this, I have no issue sharing it publicly as they cannot argue with me otherwise. During the pandemic and differing family opinions, it made already strained family relationships even harder.
Time to move onto what I think is the biggest kicker of them all for me and that is my mental health. I have shared numerous times here that I have anxiety and OCD. To be honest, when the news of COVID first broke in December 2019, I was scared. Not only scared for if myself or somebody close to me was to contract the virus, but for how my mental health would go into overdrive if it was to reach the UK. I feel like I need to give myself some credit as I dealt with it fairly well. Fairly well however for the first 16 months.
The backend of 2021 has been hard for me. My anxiety has hit an all-time low. I am at a place where I don’t want to get out of bed in a morning. My panic attacks are so severe that I am getting chest pains. There have been times when it seems like there is no escape from the intense feelings and I don’t know how to cope. I am trying to get new coping mechanisms, but that is so hard when so many external factors can change, such as COVID testing, vaccinations, restrictions, etc.
I hate how negative this blog post is on the eve of a New Year, however I feel like I have to validate my feelings. We will all have a different pandemic story and I am sure that many of them are incredibly difficult. We need to ensure that we are all there for one another to get through what is to come next. It probably isn’t going to be easy and lockdown is already ramping up here again in England. It is a scary prospect and I guess I feel like it is simply never going to end. I have plans and things that I want to do in my life, but I am putting them off for ‘after the pandemic’, but I don’t know if I should continue to put my life on hold for something that doesn’t seem like it is on the horizon.
Even if we were to go into total lockdown in England, we are going to do what is right for us. Don’t get me wrong, we will continue to be incredibly careful, just as we have been throughout the pandemic. However, I am not going to deprive myself of quality time with my grandparents. The truth is that I don’t know how many years I have left with them. The same goes for seeing my nieces and nephews, I have missed so much of them growing up. To the extent that at a family occasion recently, my niece screamed when I picked her up because she had no idea who I was.
We will be careful, but I am not going to shut myself away and go into complete isolation. Not when we have a sickening government that does what they want, when they want, despite the orders which they have given to the public.
Let’s all stay together and keep talking. I hope that you all have the most prosperous year during 2022. Fingers crossed this pandemic finally fucks off. Plus, I would also like the prick in No.10 to fuck off also. If you cannot tell I am incredibly angry that they had garden parties with wine and cheese during the height of the pandemic. Whilst we mere mortals were only allowed 9 people at a funeral.
Here is to 2022 being better for us all. As I mentioned, I am normally the person telling people to cheer up and look forward to the year ahead. It simply isn’t there for me at the moment. Happy New Year.
