This is going to be a hard post for me to write…
If you have been reading my blog for some time, you will know that I started posting almost a decade ago. At the time, I was low on friends, going through a hard time. To be honest, I felt lost. Creating my site and posting regularly gave me a purpose and it made me realise just how much I loved writing.
For many years, I did just that. I would write posts, spend time trying to improve my photography and I made a conscious effort to be social in the blogging circle. It was hell of a lot of work, but I loved it. I stuck to a schedule, worked hard and fortunately for me, I began to reap the rewards. I was earning money from my site, getting amazing opportunities with the likes of Vogue, Harrods and Net-A-Porter to name a few. Things were amazing.
However, in 2019 I reached a point where I could no longer continue with my blog. My mental health had taken a nosedive after my grandfather passed away. My OCD symptoms were skyrocketing, and I felt like I was losing control of everything in life. To try and regain control and alleviate some pressure, I made the very difficult decision to delete my blog. I was spreading myself far too thin beforehand and deleting my site gave me the time that I needed to focus on myself and the things that mattered.
Almost instantly, it did feel like a weight had been lifted. I suddenly had time to myself, and I was relishing in it. However, very quickly I began to feel like something was missing. I needed a creative outlet and I wanted to write. So, during the beginning of the pandemic in March 2020, 6 months after I deleted my blog, I went ahead and created this site as you know it.
I decided to call my site, ‘The Reluctant Blogger’ because I knew there would be other bumps in the road. Times when I needed to take a step back for my mental health. Times when I can’t see the value in blogging and writing anymore. When I think that there is no point in killing myself for a site that will never be my full time career or that takes up so much of my time.
That is where I am today…
For a long time, my mental health has not been good. For those of you that don’t know, I have OCD. My OCD is not so much about cleanliness, it is more about organisation and order. Generally speaking, I do feel like I have a firm hold on my OCD 99% of the time and I have many coping mechanisms to help me navigate my day-to-day life. However, at times when I don’t have a firm grasp on my OCD, I can fall into bouts of depression.
You may have seen on Instagram recently; I went on holiday to Greece. My husband and I had two weeks in the sun, and it should have been a wonderful time. However, laying there, doing nothing and having nothing to occupy my mind, gave me time to think. Or should I say, overthink. One afternoon, I went back to the room early and I found myself, obsessively looking at the lists and spreadsheets that generally rule my everyday life. It triggered a panic attack and I honestly felt like I was going to die.
This is the compulsive side of OCD. I checked through everything once. But it didn’t help me, so I did it again, and again and again. I was in a mess, and nothing made sense or seemed to line back up in my head.
This has happened over the years and usually after a few days, it would get better. However, after returning to the UK, I was getting further into depression due my inability to regain control over my OCD. Because nothing seemed to be working and I was being ruled by my compulsions, I began to feel like I was going crazy.
It took me three weeks to realise that I wasn’t going to be able to get out of this on my own. I was sinking deeper into depression, seeing less light in everything and generally becoming much more reclusive than I ever had before.
So, I called the doctors. To be honest, my faith in doctors hasn’t been amazing when it comes to my mental health. They are very keen to throw anti-depressants at me, but I know that is like sticking a band-aid over an axe wound. Completely pointless.
When I spoke to the receptionist, I insisted that I wanted an appointment and she said that she could get me in to see somebody in Mid-September. However, when she asked me what it was regarding and I said mental health, she said that somebody would call me back within 2 hours, which they did.
The lady that called me back, literally changed my life. She was a mental health doctor that my surgery has taken on as a full-time employee. We were on the phone to one another for an entire hour and it felt like the breakthrough that I have always needed. I sobbed on the phone and for almost 6 hours afterward. She validated how I was feeling and really helped to open me up and get me talking. Following that, I have been to see her face to face, and we are planning for me to start CBT for my OCD.
I think the wonderful thing about reaching the right person for help and support was them actually understanding what I go through and how I feel. As much as those closest to me try to understand, unless you go through the panic and the worry on an everyday basis, you don’t know how it is. You don’t know how absolutely debilitating and scary it can be. That doctor knew and I will forever be grateful for that initial conversation with her.
However, with all of this, I had to seriously think about my blog…
Just like with every other area of my life, my blog is planned meticulously. I have a schedule that spans years and I have daily, weekly and monthly tasks that I do in order to keep things running like a finely tuned machine. People over the years have told me to take a much more relaxed approach to blogging, but as much as I wish that I could do that, I simply cannot. My OCD does not allow that.
With that, I have made the very hard decision that I need to take a step back from my blog. Whether I want to admit it or not, running a site on a tight schedule is hard work and at times it can cause me an enormous amount of stress.
I do hope that this is not a permanent change. This time around, I am not deleting my blog. I am going to leave it here and I hope that in a few months I will be in a good enough headspace to come back to blogging and pick up where I left off.
Writing is something that I will miss, not to mention sharing and speaking to you guys, but I really need to do this. I just want to thank everybody for your support up to this point. Your comments and emails really do mean the world to me. I am sure that The Reluctant Blogger will be back soon.
